Special Kids and Tantrums: How You Can Help

Tantrum is the word that we dread but have learned to accept. As a mom to a special kid, I live and breathe tantrum. I eat tantrum for breakfast, lunch, and dinner but I am sorry to say that I haven't mastered handling tantrums up to this time. For a kid with special needs, a tantrum could be because of literally anything or even everything under the sun. It could be because of the chips that he wants to eat, you picked the color of the shirt that he doesn't like, the sun's glare is too bright or simply being unable to express frustration, pain, a want or need. A tantrum is unpredictable and inevitable. While we parents of our special angels strive to expose them to various environment and scenarios, we are always faced with the risk of dealing with a tantrum.

For neuro typical children, a tantrum could be crying out loud, screaming, rolling on the floor, or hitting somebody they are mad at. Their tantrums are similar to children with special needs, but because our children are special, the tantrums could be extra special too. Our screams could be much louder and longer, rolling on the floor could be accompanied

by head banging on the floor or the wall, biting, and yes hitting too. While neuro typical children can sometimes if not most of the time be dealt with reason or bargaining, there is much less of that probability for a special kid. For our kids, tantrums cannot be reasoned out with, tantrums are uncontrollable, and sometimes, the only way for them to express pain or need.

I cannot anymore count with my fingers how many times my daughter had a tantrum in a public place. For some reason, she loves to have a tantrum in a public place. Thankfully, in our case, my daughter is young enough for her tantrums to be considered forgivable by others. However, I wonder what will happen if we don't get passed this stage and we carry it on until she grows older (say 16 years old). Will I still meet the same empathetic faces? Will I still get a nod saying it's okay? or Will I be judged as a bad mother for allowing my daughter to lash out in a public place given her age? These questions gave me an an answer as to why I don't see much of older kids with special needs strolling in the mall or public places. Some of us parents are afraid to be judged or ridiculed. I do not want this to happen to me and my daughter, I want her to stroll with me until my legs allow me to walk with her. Even if I am 90 and she is 64, I want to walk with her hand-in-hand tantrums or no tantrums. When the time comes, I do not want judgmental eyes to meet mine, I do not want eyes full of ridicule to be looking at me. I want to see eyes of people who are educated and aware of children with special needs how they act and why they act a certain way. I still want to see people giving me a nod or a pat on the back saying 'it will be okay'. The struggles of parents with special needs are kept unknown to many, especially to third world countries like ours. Our struggles and the struggles of our special children depresses us, makes us sad and helpless but their little achievements erases all the negativity away and we take pride in it. 

Since my daughter got diagnosed with ASD I imposed it upon myself to be an advocate not only for my daughter but to many others like her. Advocacy in educating other people what it means to be special-that they are not different but genuine. I believe in humanity and I believe that there is kindness in everyone. The next time you see our kid/s having a tantrum, please do us a favor and do the following:

1. Ignore. The best thing that you can do. 

2. Keep your unsolicited advice (unless you are an expert or an authority in this field). Believe me we know what we are doing.

3. Do not talk about us in whispers especially not right where we can see you. 

4. For extreme cases, do offer help but we ask your forgiveness in advance if we won't be able to respond to you the right way or have to decline your offer. Stress can get the better of us.

5. Have a little room for consideration. Our child might step on your toes, bump on you, or distract you with the noises that they make, believe me they don't mean to do it. I know they would stop it if they just knew how, but sadly, it can be very difficult for them, so please give some allowances.

All of us are different but ours are Special and we are loving it!

To God be all the Glory!

We're now at SPED School!

I have been away from my computer keyboard for a while because I have been very busy. I know I promised myself to always post an update so that when the time comes I'll be able to read, look back, and remember all the things that Glimmer and I have been through. One other purpose is to somehow give an insight to moms who are new to this type of parenting. Because there is a huge difference in parenting neuro typical children and children with special needs.

So, my daughter Glimmer is now 3 years and 6 months old and our developmental pediatrician recommended us to enroll Glimmer in a SPED school. To be honest I was a bit hesitant, I wanted my daughter to attend regular school (I think all mothers do) but I waved away another emerging hint of denial and just followed the doctor's order. The school offered a 2 week summer class for free if you enroll your kid for the coming school year so we proceeded. On the first day, my daughter cried for a whole hour (the class was 4 hours in total) She was pulled out from the classroom and was catered to a one-on-one session with the school's director. When we went home I was a bit disappointed, I thought we already managed our separation anxiety issues but it turned out we haven't quite perfected that part just yet. I wasn't that down hearted, after all it was just out first day and I should give my daughter some time to adjust. The second day was unexpected. She went inside the classroom with no fuss and behaved well the entire time and I thought that her adjustment was kind of fast and I was proud of her because of that. Fast forward to today, we are now in the middle of the school year and she is doing great! The school has monthly activities that I personally look forward to at the end of the month where students' learning and talents are showcased and exposure to socialization is being practiced. I also like the fact that each student have their Individualized Education Program where students are assessed according to their own capacity so they learn at their own pace. It gives no pressure to each student to keep up with the others. When Glimmer attends class, I wait at the canteen with the other parents and guardians that also wait for their kids. I met new friends, gathered new ideas and techniques that helped the other parents with their kids. More importantly, I met people who I can relate to, I realized that their struggles are no different with mine. We share the same pain and we have the same goal. I am certain that Glimmer enjoys going to school everyday as much as I do. On weekends, she often says 'kool' 'kool' (school) when she wakes up in the morning. I explain to her that there is no school on weekends and she will oblige until we get to the car (going somewhere else) then she starts saying 'kool' again.

Glimmer at the school grounds with Matty boy

I appreciate the teachers who are very patient and are very passionate with what they do. I can see their love towards their work and dedication to their students. They seem tireless and uses their skills in making sure that they spend ample and equal time with each student (student teacher ratio is 1 teacher:2 students).

We have been into therapy for 10 months already after her diagnosis and she might be accomplishing little things but those accomplishments are already a big deal to me. I give high credit to her Occupational therapists, Speech therapist, SPED teachers, ABA therapist and swimming coach for the improvements that she has now. To these amazing people, they might think that they are just doing their job, but to me they are creating a brighter and clearer future for my child. God bless these people!

To God be the Glory!