The Overwhelming Life With Our Child On The Autism Spectrum: Are You Overwhelmed?

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Exhausted, spent, tensed and stressed out. These were the words that defined me for the past years since my daughter's diagnosis of Autism. After I got the confirmation from her developmental pediatrician that my suspicions were true I did not give myself time to sulk and jumped right into looking for solutions instead. I thought to myself that the earlier the intervention, the

better. I was silently hoping that if I do whatever that was asked of me to do for my child, she would get well. Although I knew that Autism is a lifelong disability, I did not yet understand the entirety and full weight of the case. I started working very hard to continue with her therapies at home. I pressed myself and pressed my daughter even more for an outcome. I was pushing myself so hard but I was pushing her harder. At that time, that was the only method that I knew to make her understand and to make her perform in certain activities. I wasn't just her mom, I was her stay-at-home therapist, driver, nurse, care giver, teacher, and disciplinarian. I had trouble with balancing life especially with her. I felt like if I stopped being all these even for a moment, I would lose that chance of helping her get better.

Everyday I got so tired and everyday I was burning out. Everyday I kept pushing and pushing and yes there were results but the tantrums were getting more frequent. There were shouting at home and worsening breakdowns every time we drove home. Every scream rang in my ears like an irritating school bell and I responded with rage intending to make her feel that I am more superior. We had frequent fights and there were times when we fought everyday for a week. I thought that this routine was normal since my daughter have special needs and that it was a must so that I can make her understand. I thought that there were no other ways of doing it. 

Then I started to have problems with the shouting. It was becoming frequent and uncontrollable. I worked with her therapists and we tried to look for ways to reduce the shouting but the progress was very slow. Then I thought of doing it differently at home. I shouted less and pushed her less. I just settled with what she can do but did it routinely. It was my husband (who comes home from working abroad twice in year) that actually showed me the way. He was calmer, more relaxed, and less tensed when dealing with our daughter and they were happy. Then I thought that maybe I was pushing her too much and focused so much on what she can achieve rather than celebrate what she can do, settle in that milestone for a moment to rest and take a break before we move on. 

I decided to relax and let my daughter be herself. Less restrictions and more fun time. Less pushing and more understanding. More feeling and child-led learning. Then her shouting reduced until it eventually stopped. The tantrums became less frequent and there were no more meltdowns. Everything went better at home but the reality that sunk in to me was painful. My daughter was not innately hot-headed, she copied it from me. She reflected me. She was tensed, pressured, and stressed out like I was. That day I learned a very important lesson from the little kid that I teach everyday. She couldn't say it and doesn't know how, but like me, she too was overwhelmed and burnt out. 

Here are some of the things that I learned:

1. Your child breathes in your energy. They copy what you do and they feel what you emanate. It is very important that you take care of yourself. Have a break when you need to. There could be times when you need to detach yourself from home and have a day all to yourself. Do not feel guilty when you take a break, you need it! The happier you become, the happier your child will be. You cannot give what you do not have. You have to be happy first before you can give out that happiness.

2. Your child feels your determination. Every time I teach her something new, I always make sure that I am fueled by the determination to let her learn what I want her to learn. The most effective teaching sessions that we've had were when I was passionate with what I was teaching her. I just know that she can feel my drive and understands this is what she needs to learn. It is also important to play on her interests to be able to get her attention and for her to focus on the task at hand. Make learning time fun and interesting.

3. Find the right balance. It is difficult to wear different hats at a time and it can be very exhausting. Looking for the right balance will take some time and a lot of trial and error but if you find the right equation you can breathe easy.

4. Autism will always be autism. Acceptance means a lot of things but acceptance does not mean giving up on your child. The hard reality with this diagnosis is that it is life long. No cure has been found yet and it is not rocket-science. Nothing is definite. There are good times, bad times, and worse times. You will go through an emotional roller coaster. What keeps me hopeful is my faith. Faith in the Lord (Romans 8:28 And we know all things work for good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose) and faith in my daughter. Our love for her is unconditional, we love her no matter what and she doesn't need to prove anything or achieve unimaginable things for us to love her with all our hearts.

5. Dream Big. "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." -Norman Vincent Peale 

How overwhelmed are you? take a break and reconnect with what gives you happiness. You are your child's best example. Now, I believe that we have found our perfect balance. Not everything is perfect, tantrums still come from time to time but we are happier and I am calmer. At 4 years old she's starting to read. She recognizes my emotions and knows when to ask for an apology. And we resolve our quarrels with "I'm sorry please" (with her, almost everything ends with please). She is advancing with her reading albeit a little slow but we know we are getting there. I became firm but understanding and I learned how to do that because she taught me to. I learned how to listen to unspoken words and may God give us all the grace to continually do so. 

Surviving Your Child's First Tooth Extraction Under Oral Sedation

Like any other firsts, my daughter's first tooth extraction had been a source of my anxiety and for a time was the reason I don't sleep well at night. Apart from the thought of seeing her tooth being pulled out with all the gore that comes with the procedure, I dreaded the fact that she would be sedated. Some of the worries were: 

1. my daughter has Autism and subjecting her to sedation with oral sedatives might cause her to regress. 

2. I worried about untoward reactions like allergic reaction to the drug. 

3. I was worried about the trauma that it might cause her. Having a tooth being pulled out at a young age might cause her long term trauma.

I did a lot of research and asking around to get myself better prepared. I actually held back a lot of times making it the reason why my daughter's tooth became painful and the extraction had to be scheduled before infection and swelling sets in. So let me share some points that I thought helped me a lot before, during, and after the procedure. 

A. Find a good pediatric dentist.

Pedia dentists have a better understanding of children's behavior and will be able to deal with your children with the right amount of care and understanding. Also, they have the patience of a saint. They always encounter tantrums so you don't have to worry about your kid acting-out because that's probably what they see everyday. Most of them are specialized in dealing with children who have special needs. Make it a point to have your child's tooth checked as early as possible.

B. Prepare yourself!

You need to be physically, emotionally, financially, and mentally prepared. 

You are surely going to see your kid cry and beg like never before and you would have to be emotionally stronger than ever to resist scooping them up from that dental chair and head out running. Having a bloody tooth being pulled out from my daughter's mouth felt like my heart muscles were being ripped apart!

Be physically prepared. My daughter always puts up a good fight-physical fight. So I made sure that I are a full meal, emptied my bladder, and slept at least 6 hours straight before the procedure. My daughter is 4 years old but she is very strong.

Prepare financially. Tooth extraction alone does not cost much but when oral sedation is necessary, you would have to prepare about 4,000-5,000 pesos. In our case, we spent more than 6,000 pesos for a tooth extraction and a filling. This amount did not include obtaining clearances. Before being administered with an oral sedative, the doctors need to make sure that your kid is in excellent physical health. No lung or nose congestion or fever before the procedure. Presence of those mentioned above within 24 hours before the procedure, would mean cancellation. Clearances will only be valid for 48 hours, so make sure you don't get it earlier than that. 

Do not panic! After the procedure you have to be quick to identify common post local anesthesia complications such as cheek, tongue, and lip biting. We struggled more with sores in the mouth and cheek and as well as in the tongue than recovering from the extracted tooth. Expect that your child will still be groggy and will not regain balance until the medication wears off (in about 1 to 2 hours or after the 3rd pee) Make sure that you do not let your kid walk by himself/herself. He/she has to be supported and assisted at all times to avoid any injury.

Find time to know more about oral sedation or general anesthesia for dental procedures. There are cases where General anesthetics are needed for dental procedures. Oral sedation on the other hand is a pretty common procedure especially in younger and non-cooperative patients. Being sedated also makes sure that the procedure is done safely and swiftly. 

Prepare your child and explain the procedure. Explain to your kid what the procedure would be and why it should be done. Some sugar-coating would not hurt and throw in some fairy stories and a bit of magic. 

To date, my daughter already had tooth extraction twice and it was better the second time, It was like she was more aware of the procedure and what to expect of it. As for the regression, it did not happen-I just wasted my time worrying myself to death. She is now in Nursery at a regular school and just started with reading tutorial. I am hopeful that there will come a time when there will be no need for my daughter to be sedated during tooth extraction or for any dental procedure. I'm positive we can do it and you can do it too!

Include us, Teach us 'how', Ask us 'what'

Dear Family, Friends, Teachers, New Acquaintances, and Strangers,

My kid has Autism and she is different in many ways- like all children are unique from one another.

Sometimes, she displays odd behaviors like shouting when she gets frustrated and she often does. 

She spins when happy or bored or overwhelmed. She sometimes like to talk loud and become noisy in places where she needs to be silent, like in church.

She has difficulty with social interaction and processing questions or information so sometimes she might not respond right away when you ask her what her name is. She might not look you in the eye and shy away from your hand shakes.

As odd as it may seem, My four year old doesn't know how to properly play with children her age. She doesn't enjoy tea parties, or playing mommy with her dolls. She doesn't enjoy Frozen, Moana, or The Little Mermaid.

Sometimes, she goes in to tantrums in public places and a number of times it turns into meltdowns.

She has limited words and very few sentences.

All these make my daughter different, odd, and rather unfit in a world where people  value competence, academic excellence, and conformity.

But I tell you this, teach her how and she will learn because she understands. Her mind may work differently but that makes her unique, and, who knows it might make the world a better place one day. Teach her the things that you would teach a typical kid, show her the things that you can both work on and you'll see, that with practice, she will be able to do it on her own. Take time to bend a knee and talk to her about the things that you see and one day when she finds her voice, she might talk back and recount the things that she learned from you. Teach her the things that you know and I assure you that your time is not wasted. The precious information that you share will go into a different kind of mind who may see things on a perspective not the same as yours but my assurance is that it will go into a mind that works differently but certainly not less.

Ask her 'what'. What do you see? What do you hear? What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What are you thinking? What do you want? She might not get it at this time but she wants you to ask even if she doesn't answer because sometimes all she wants is consideration. Consider her feelings, and include her in your discussions. Sometimes, she might appear like she is not listening but she does. Ask her 'what' like you would ask a typical kid and you might be surprised that she knows the answers to your questions and shock you with how profound she understands some things. Oftentimes, she might not give you the right answer but I will go back and ask you again to teach her how. 

This is a plea form a mother, a plea that I'm sure many other parents of children on the spectrum would want to ask of you... INCLUDE US, TEACH US HOW, ASK US WHAT. All we need is an opportunity.