Success is a Matter of Self-Perspective in Autism

Since the diagnosis of my daughter to be in the Autism Spectrum, I made her my personal life-long project. I devoted my time, my skills and expertise to her learning and development. To other parents, saying "their children's success is their success too" this much heard about phrase is much too personal to me. Her heartache is my heart ache, her struggles are mine, and her achievements are my medals and affirmation that I am doing things right. However, autism is loaded with unpredictability-one time she's doing well and then on another she's back to her old unreachable self.  

It has already been a year since we started this battle of pulling her out of the autism "trance". The struggle is hard and exhausting. Everyday, your pull needs to be stronger than

autism and this thought only makes the fight harder. I look at my child and think of her future and thousands of pictures rush in my mind: Will she get there? Will she be able to make it? I struggle with this roller-coaster, a series of ups and downs and it certainly doesn't help seeing other children and comparing my daughter to them. I ask some questions like "am I doing enough?" "are there things that I have haven't done?" "why are some kids like that and mine like this?"These questions often drown me and weigh me down. Other people's opinion became my bench mark of success and it has cost me too much pain and loads of stress. In a span of one year I have several realizations:

• NEVER COMPARE. Comparison will get you nowhere. Your child is wired differently than the other. Your child's capabilities and gifts, strengths, and weaknesses are not the same as other children. We are made to be unique and made to be different. Autism or no autism, one will always be different from the other.
• TIME IS AN ESSENTIAL VARIABLE. Progress is something that needs time and you need to wait it out. You wait for them to mature and to understand because they will mature and they do understand! You wait for them to be ready and to open up because they will be ready and they will open up! 
• APPRECIATE YOUR SMALL AND BIG ACHIEVEMENTS. Progress no matter how small is still progress. The most important thing is that you try your best to improve. With the little steps that you make, you will one day look back and realize that you have already covered so many miles.
• CELEBRATE YOUR PROGRESS. My daughter and I have made several achievements already and each time she does it, we celebrate it with cheer, singing, laughter, and a little ice cream. I have observed that she values that kind of appreciation. It is heart warming to think that she values my happiness. When I show her that what she does makes me happy, she makes good at it.
• DON'T GET STUCK IN DENIAL. Accept that there are things that your child cannot do but despite that there are also things that he or she can be good at. I love my daughter for the good and the bad. No matter what she does and how she turns out to be that love will always be constant. The things that I do for her and the hard work that we're putting to working on her progress are just manifestations of that love. And when there is love without expectations, without conditions then there will be no pressure and no stress. No pressure and no stress makes a conducive venue for learning.

Your success may not fit another man's measure. Let not your child be a subject to yours or other people's gauge of success. Learn when to push and go with the flow and pace of his/her development. 

To God be all the Honor and Glory!

Special Kids and Tantrums: How You Can Help

Tantrum is the word that we dread but have learned to accept. As a mom to a special kid, I live and breathe tantrum. I eat tantrum for breakfast, lunch, and dinner but I am sorry to say that I haven't mastered handling tantrums up to this time. For a kid with special needs, a tantrum could be because of literally anything or even everything under the sun. It could be because of the chips that he wants to eat, you picked the color of the shirt that he doesn't like, the sun's glare is too bright or simply being unable to express frustration, pain, a want or need. A tantrum is unpredictable and inevitable. While we parents of our special angels strive to expose them to various environment and scenarios, we are always faced with the risk of dealing with a tantrum.

For neuro typical children, a tantrum could be crying out loud, screaming, rolling on the floor, or hitting somebody they are mad at. Their tantrums are similar to children with special needs, but because our children are special, the tantrums could be extra special too. Our screams could be much louder and longer, rolling on the floor could be accompanied

by head banging on the floor or the wall, biting, and yes hitting too. While neuro typical children can sometimes if not most of the time be dealt with reason or bargaining, there is much less of that probability for a special kid. For our kids, tantrums cannot be reasoned out with, tantrums are uncontrollable, and sometimes, the only way for them to express pain or need.

I cannot anymore count with my fingers how many times my daughter had a tantrum in a public place. For some reason, she loves to have a tantrum in a public place. Thankfully, in our case, my daughter is young enough for her tantrums to be considered forgivable by others. However, I wonder what will happen if we don't get passed this stage and we carry it on until she grows older (say 16 years old). Will I still meet the same empathetic faces? Will I still get a nod saying it's okay? or Will I be judged as a bad mother for allowing my daughter to lash out in a public place given her age? These questions gave me an an answer as to why I don't see much of older kids with special needs strolling in the mall or public places. Some of us parents are afraid to be judged or ridiculed. I do not want this to happen to me and my daughter, I want her to stroll with me until my legs allow me to walk with her. Even if I am 90 and she is 64, I want to walk with her hand-in-hand tantrums or no tantrums. When the time comes, I do not want judgmental eyes to meet mine, I do not want eyes full of ridicule to be looking at me. I want to see eyes of people who are educated and aware of children with special needs how they act and why they act a certain way. I still want to see people giving me a nod or a pat on the back saying 'it will be okay'. The struggles of parents with special needs are kept unknown to many, especially to third world countries like ours. Our struggles and the struggles of our special children depresses us, makes us sad and helpless but their little achievements erases all the negativity away and we take pride in it. 

Since my daughter got diagnosed with ASD I imposed it upon myself to be an advocate not only for my daughter but to many others like her. Advocacy in educating other people what it means to be special-that they are not different but genuine. I believe in humanity and I believe that there is kindness in everyone. The next time you see our kid/s having a tantrum, please do us a favor and do the following:

1. Ignore. The best thing that you can do. 

2. Keep your unsolicited advice (unless you are an expert or an authority in this field). Believe me we know what we are doing.

3. Do not talk about us in whispers especially not right where we can see you. 

4. For extreme cases, do offer help but we ask your forgiveness in advance if we won't be able to respond to you the right way or have to decline your offer. Stress can get the better of us.

5. Have a little room for consideration. Our child might step on your toes, bump on you, or distract you with the noises that they make, believe me they don't mean to do it. I know they would stop it if they just knew how, but sadly, it can be very difficult for them, so please give some allowances.

All of us are different but ours are Special and we are loving it!

To God be all the Glory!

We're now at SPED School!

I have been away from my computer keyboard for a while because I have been very busy. I know I promised myself to always post an update so that when the time comes I'll be able to read, look back, and remember all the things that Glimmer and I have been through. One other purpose is to somehow give an insight to moms who are new to this type of parenting. Because there is a huge difference in parenting neuro typical children and children with special needs.

So, my daughter Glimmer is now 3 years and 6 months old and our developmental pediatrician recommended us to enroll Glimmer in a SPED school. To be honest I was a bit hesitant, I wanted my daughter to attend regular school (I think all mothers do) but I waved away another emerging hint of denial and just followed the doctor's order. The school offered a 2 week summer class for free if you enroll your kid for the coming school year so we proceeded. On the first day, my daughter cried for a whole hour (the class was 4 hours in total) She was pulled out from the classroom and was catered to a one-on-one session with the school's director. When we went home I was a bit disappointed, I thought we already managed our separation anxiety issues but it turned out we haven't quite perfected that part just yet. I wasn't that down hearted, after all it was just out first day and I should give my daughter some time to adjust. The second day was unexpected. She went inside the classroom with no fuss and behaved well the entire time and I thought that her adjustment was kind of fast and I was proud of her because of that. Fast forward to today, we are now in the middle of the school year and she is doing great! The school has monthly activities that I personally look forward to at the end of the month where students' learning and talents are showcased and exposure to socialization is being practiced. I also like the fact that each student have their Individualized Education Program where students are assessed according to their own capacity so they learn at their own pace. It gives no pressure to each student to keep up with the others. When Glimmer attends class, I wait at the canteen with the other parents and guardians that also wait for their kids. I met new friends, gathered new ideas and techniques that helped the other parents with their kids. More importantly, I met people who I can relate to, I realized that their struggles are no different with mine. We share the same pain and we have the same goal. I am certain that Glimmer enjoys going to school everyday as much as I do. On weekends, she often says 'kool' 'kool' (school) when she wakes up in the morning. I explain to her that there is no school on weekends and she will oblige until we get to the car (going somewhere else) then she starts saying 'kool' again.

Glimmer at the school grounds with Matty boy

I appreciate the teachers who are very patient and are very passionate with what they do. I can see their love towards their work and dedication to their students. They seem tireless and uses their skills in making sure that they spend ample and equal time with each student (student teacher ratio is 1 teacher:2 students).

We have been into therapy for 10 months already after her diagnosis and she might be accomplishing little things but those accomplishments are already a big deal to me. I give high credit to her Occupational therapists, Speech therapist, SPED teachers, ABA therapist and swimming coach for the improvements that she has now. To these amazing people, they might think that they are just doing their job, but to me they are creating a brighter and clearer future for my child. God bless these people!

To God be the Glory!

Managing Separation Anxiety Week 2 and 3

Separation anxiety is normal for toddlers and typically starts as early as 5 or 6 months and peaks at about 18 months. Separation anxiety is part of the 'growing up' process that all children go through but for some children with special needs this phase can be very difficult and stressful. With my daughter with ASD it triggered tantrums and incessant crying. We started our separation management with her dedicated therapists (see here: Managing Separation Anxiety: Week1) and I decided to write a collective post of the second and third week of our separation anxiety management frankly because I have been very occupied the past two weeks that I don't know which happened when haha!

The management have been very significant not only with helping her to be able to calm herself when I am going away but opened new opportunities for learning. Her ability to re-echo words of certain common objects slowly emerged. She was able to meet with her speech pathologist who comes in once a month and she was astonished that my daughter was able to say two-word phrases such as 'eat cake' and 'brush teeth' (with constant prompting) although it was inconsistent and blurted the words out in the middle of screaming. My self-realization was that she was trying to avoid learning how to say the words by using me to shield herself from the prodding and prompting of her therapists. By the second week her therapies started with almost the same behavior as she had with the first week but the wailing was eventually reduced to whimpers for 5 to 10 minutes at the start of the sessions. By week 3, she quit the crying but appeared irritated as they were about to start, however, she went out of the room happy at the end of each session.

At home, she doesn't follow me around all the time anymore and I can leave the room without her crying or running after me. Stress have been significantly reduced for me and I am pretty sure for her too. Whenever I leave the house, she cries for a while and then goes on to find something interesting to do a couple of minutes after. (I know because I conceal the car behind the fence and I make sure that she stopped crying before I leave. LOL) 

We pushed her limit a little bit higher as we adapted the management with her swimming teacher as well. During her swimming lessons, I left her in the caring and capable hands of her swimming teacher while I had to go somewhere where I can conceal myself and still keep watch of her swimming progress. Naturally, she was not cooperative at the start but eventually and gradually learned to accept the fact that it was going to be the setup from then on. The results that we had in her therapies were duplicated seeing how fast she was able to improve her skills in swimming, In fact, her teacher signed her up for a swimming contest in novice category. 

The most surprising improvement that was brought out by the separation anxiety management was helping her learn how to talk. Little by little she is learning how to voice out her needs. For me, my most important learning is knowing how strong my daughter is. She is young but she is already faced with many difficulties yet she is slowly overcoming each obstacle. 

To God be the Glory!

Managing Separation Anxiety: Week 1

Our problem with separation anxiety had been going on for a while. My daughter have been very clingy from the very beginning, as far as I can remember. I can't go to the bathroom without her tagging along, can't take a bath without leaving the bathroom open or we take a bath together. Whenever she is in the living room, I have to keep the bedroom door open so she can see me. If I am not within sight, she immediately looks for me all around the house; opening each door and checking every room while crying and screaming. Things usually get worse when we are in an unfamiliar crowd because it triggers both her separation and stranger anxiety. I dreaded parties, get togethers and reunions because these spell body aches and sores that I get from all the clinging and restraining.

Since she was diagnosed with ASD, I became more understanding and receptive to her needs. One of the ways that we thought would help her was exposing her to a new environment, to new and old people everyday, and enroll her to play school. Within 3 months of doing these almost daily, we saw significant changes with her anxiety towards strangers. She became more at ease even with new people and participating fairly well at playschool, although we managed to address her stranger anxiety the separation anxiety remained. I sit with her inside the room during therapies, stay with her inside the playschool and still does the same routine at home (taking her to the bathroom, opening doors, etc.) We already tried to manage the anxiety once before with her therapist but she fell ill for two weeks so our progress was cut short and so we had to start all over again. So here's the start of my weekly account of my 3 year old daughter's separation anxiety management.

Week 1

I have written in my previous blog post not to start teaching another skill unless you and your child are both ready. Teaching a new skill can be emotionally and physically draining for you and learning a new skill can do the same to your child.The first day was filled with screaming and a lot of tears. No matter how I prepared myself, her crying was like a prompt for me to pick her up and fight off whatever or whoever that made her cry. I fought against myself and my overprotective maternal instincts and waited patiently. Her occupational therapist said she followed every instruction and was very receptive but he let me in after 15 minutes to calm her down. My being there also served as a positive reinforcement. So this was the first day.

Second day. Following verbal instructions without being prompted. I stayed outside the room for the whole hour. She cried and screamed for 15 minutes but quieted down after. She improved in terms of listening to her therapist and following instructions. With our previous therapy sessions she clinged to me when I was inside the room to avoid doing her tasks.

The third day was a session with her speech therapist. She screamed for half an hour but most of it was to try to manipulate the people around her. My daughter knows only very few words but on that day she was able to say 'eat cake', 'brush teeth', 'water', and 'go away'. 

The process of teaching her to get rid of her separation anxiety might be a lot of work and emotionally stressful for the both of us but I am very positive that it will open her mind to listen to others, learn more, and slowly become independent.

How Did Autism Happen? No One Knows For Sure But This Video Gave Me So Much Clarity

If you are a mom like me who is fond of research and Googling symptoms (not a good idea, you always end up having cancer or dead if you don't know which information to weed out and which to consider) then you are probably looking all over the internet for reasons why your child or that child you saw in the grocery store having a meltdown got Autism. When my daughter's diagnosis was confirmed, that's what I did. I immediately took out my handy dandy laptop and started my research. The first culprit was the gene, so my husband and I tried to look within our family tree for signs and symptoms but we could not find any. The second was vaccination and I blindly put the blame to this until I saw this eye opening video from TED Talks. 

Since my daughter got diagnosed with ASD, it became my advocacy to spread autism awareness. Sharing what I know about autism to parents like me or to other people who wants to understand is my primary goal. When people understand then the world will be a better place for my daughter and for all the children and adults with autism.  I also believe that early diagnosis and therefore intervention are keys to help them learn and cope with their delays. 

Are You A Parent to A Child In The Autism Spectrum? Try Reading Chicken Soup for The Soul: Raising Kids On The Spectrum

       Last December of 2015, I received the most perfect gift that anybody could give me for Christmas. At that time my daughter's diagnosis was still very fresh to me and the Autism diagnosis kept ringing in my ears. I was very busy with non-stop hovering on what to do. Learning the things that I could do at home to reinforce her therapy sessions, immersing myself with Google information, and succumbing to grief when I am alone were my favorite past time. Yes, I was grieving. Grieving for the loss of my daughter's future when her life is still about to start. I was crying for the dreams that I have for her that would only remain in my dreams. I was mourning for the teacup parties and the mother-daughter shopping time that would never happen. I was in pain, yet I had to be strong for her, so in those moments when doubt and uncertainty would start creeping in to my mind, I turned to busying myself with finding a solution or a miraculous cure. That made me very exhausted. 

       It was after our annual Christmas party at the Light of Jesus community that my friend handed me a book wrapped in fancy paper. When I opened the gift, I was almost in tears at the thought that someone understood how I felt and knew how I needed consolation. The gift was a book called Chicken Soup for The Soul: Raising Kids on the Spectrum. Maybe it was the look on my face that made her say 'am I not the best gift giver?' and yes, I did admit (not only for the sake of friendship) that she was.

       At first I vowed to read one story daily but I could not help myself but to read more than I promised myself. The book not only gave me hope but some ideas that helped me devise plans and activities that we could try out. I held on to the hope that other parents from the book had and borrowed strength from their experiences. I realized that I was not alone in parenting a child with autism and that some difficulties that I had were no match to some of theirs. I had a glimpse of the probabilities of what I have to face in the future and got myself prepared ahead of time. I prepared both for the good and the bad but mostly held on to the good that gave me hope. I realized that we are still at the beginning of the journey and my daughter can still do a lot of things and accomplish a lot of things. Yes, she might have some limitations but given the resources and opportunity, I am sure that she will be able to do it. 

       Today, somehow I already made my own formula of doing things. My daughter has improved tremendously, but again, we are still at the start of the journey. We will still be going through a lot of things and face many obstacles, but the inspiration that I got from this book will last me a lifetime and if I ever feel the need to refresh and renew then I could always go back and read my favorite pages. To Cherry, my friend, the best gift giver...I will forever be grateful! :)

Baby Steps To Teaching A Child With Autism

When my child got diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder one of the things that I worried about was if she would be able to learn and how would I be able to teach her (forgive the ignorance but at that time my daughter was not responding even to her name). I prepared myself for some extensive training that may be required for me to learn some special techniques that I could employ. When I was finally inside the loop of speech, occupational, and aquatic therapies I realized that the teaching strategies that are actually being used are not that different from teaching any other kid. 

I want to share with you some of the things that I learned on how to teach my daughter a few things, in her own pace:

• Have the right attitude. Be firm and assertive but also be mindful of your child's limitations. Children in different age levels have their own attention span and focus. Some children can listen and learn effectively within 10-15 minutes and then lose interest. 

When my daughter first started out her occupational therapy, she couldn't last for 5 minutes, the rest of the therapy session were all tears and tantrums. Now, she enjoys the whole hour of occupational therapy and sometimes, I think, she looks forward to it. We do the same thing at home. I try to reinforce the things that she was able to learn during therapy and even teach her little household chores. Like in therapies, the first times where always tear-filled scenarios but eventually, things got easier.

• Persistence is key. Be open to the fact that your kid might or might not get your instructions the first time or the second and even the third but never get tired of repeating them. In my case, repetition lead to exhaustion and frustration in those first times of teaching 'hi' and 'hello'. And don't even get me started with potty training! But trust that that bright day will come when she will finally do her first wave and say her first 'hi' and make her first pee in the potty.
• Do a little bribing. Most of the time if not all the time, my daughter works best with a little encouragement. My daughter loves to play with wooden blocks so I use that to encourage her to do what is requested of her like putting her plate on the sink after eating. When she finally does what is requested of her, I give her the reward. Pick out the toys that she likes the most or the food that she likes to eat. Eventually you won't even need to give her a reward for doing a task anymore, your kid will simply do it out of habit.
• Do not give in to manipulation. Sometimes, kids with autism can be master manipulators. Screaming, crying and other times head banging can be their way of telling you to do what they want done but don't let them get their way. If you give in, you will just reinforce the habit. In our case, the things that I did was to ignore until she calms down or make her count to ten and sit down before you give her what she wants. I make sure that she finish every task that she started like packing away her toys. Sometimes, it pains me to see her crying and revolting her heart out while packing away her toys but when she got the hang of it, crying was just a thing of the past (with packing away her things, that is. She still cries when taught new things). 
• Teach her something new when both of you are ready. I don't teach my daughter two skills at a time because I do not want her to get too overwhelmed. Once I see that she has already done that particular skill properly then I go ahead and introduce another one. More importantly, I teach her new things when I am ready. It can be emotionally and physically exhausting. I am often in an emotional roller coaster when I teach her new things and it drains me out so I make sure I fully recharge before taking on another one.

In a span of 5 months since diagnosis, she has learned a handful of things but not without struggles. I think the cycle will go on for a while until she reaches that level of maturity when we do not have to work extra hard to help her learn and I am hoping and praying for that day to come. It will, for you too! :)

Voice Lessons

       Nope I am not learning how to sing. On the contrary, I lost my voice. If you have a kid like mine, I am sure you know that it is one of the most important weapons in our arsenal. My daughter knows how to interpret my tone of voice better than she can decipher my facial expression. I lost my voice because of sleepless nights, my daughter had colds and it was disturbing her sleep and naturally, mine too. I woke up feeling a lump in my throat and my first word of the day which was 'Glimmer' (my daughter's name) came out like a whisper. Then, I immediately thought 'Oh No!' she doesn't listen to anyone but me, won't follow instructions unless it comes from me, more than that, how can I sing along at playschool? My daughter loves nursery rhymes and it is one way for her to connect to others and enjoy at the same time! I cannot afford to lose my voice!

       Playschool and therapy sessions came and went and I had to force my voice out.(Btw I join all of her activities even at therapies because she is very anxious without me and we are still trying to sort this problem out) My throat was so strained after a day so I was forced to think of some alternative and made some realizations as well.

Realization No.1 My body was already telling me to stop and listen to her. She was probably getting tired of me talking and nagging all day that she wanted me to stop. I also think that she thought my daughter was already having more than an earful of instructions in a day so I had to shut up! She needed the vocal rest so she got it with or without my consent. Way to go vocal cords!

Realization No.2 It was probably God's way of teaching me another technique because without my voice, I had to prompt her to look at me in the eye and make her try to understand with the little voice I have left. Now, at least we got to have more eye contacts and I just realized it as I'm writing it down, jeez!

No.3 I have to practice my daughter to learn how to listen to other voices and to other people, by the time I get to have my voice back. It will be less straining to my vocals and increases her interaction with other people. But I am sure that before it happens, it will require a little more coaching and of course vocal straining but I am very positive that it will work out for the better.

No. 4 Take care of my voice. Now I know how seriously important it is for a mom of a kid with autism to keep her voice intact. I should start favoring warm drinks more than cold ones now.

No. 5 Do not force my voice out! Apart from the fact that it is painful, it is also dangerous. It may damage my vocal cords. Losing my voice is an indication that my vocal cords are inflamed and bacteria may already be present. If not treated, bacterial microorganisms may go down to your heart. 

So, there goes my voice lessons. Having no voice for a time is a blessing in disguise. Made me a little wiser and calmer.

Suspecting Autism? Don't Be Afraid

From the moment your little bundle of joy arrives into the world, you want to give nothing but the best. You hold her into your arms and you start thinking about giving her the toys that you weren't able to get when you were still a child, watching and singing to the same Disney movies that you loved. Fast forward to toddler-hood, you see her finishing school and getting the life that you think is best for her or him. That's how optimistic and hopeful parents are, a day old baby in our arms and we start thinking about sending her to college! Maybe this is another factor why a lot of parents find it hard to accept the diagnosis. I have also been there. I went through denial, depression, and finally acceptance. Most of these emotions was probably because of selfishness. I had this perfect vision of how I see my daughter's future but I did not see Autism coming.

As early as 18 months old, I began noticing that my daughter was a little different from other kids. She does not respond when her name is called, doesn't point, doesn't call me 'mama', doesn't wave and was very anxious whenever we are with new people or a new environment. I had a suspicion, but I waived the thought. After-all, she loved playing peek-a-boo, she smiles a lot, loves to be tickled, and hugged. She was very attached to me and I thought, it doesn't add up. She was 2 years and 6 months old when I finally gathered my courage to have her assessed but we still had to wait for a couple of months to be seen by a developmental pediatrician as the queuing was long. I did not wait. I called clinics from other cities to get a booking for the assessment and finally, after a month, I was able to have her checked. Turns out, my suspicion was right. My daughter was diagnosed under Autism Spectrum Disorder. I should have trusted my instincts and had her checked when I had the suspicion but I was afraid. See the 'I' there? I was afraid. My daughter wasn't, my daughter did not understand nor care. Of course, because she depended on me for food, for care, and on my better judgement but I failed her because I thought more of myself rather than doing what's best for her. 

Today, we are still benefiting from early diagnosis and I'm glad that I did not let my denial get in the way. She is now having occupational therapy, speech therapy, and swimming, which helps her a lot. My daughter is highly functional but her diagnosis gives us different kinds of challenges everyday but I could not be any more proud of her. She is my greatest achievement and the things that she overcomes and achieves everyday are my achievements too.

If you think that your child might have autism, here are my unsolicited advice:

• Have your child checked. There is nothing wrong with being sure. There is something wrong with assuming that there is nothing wrong even if there is. 
• Trust your instincts. Mother knows best as they say. A lot of people might give you their advice and their insights but in the end, you get to decide. Listen to the good advice, stash the bad ones and save it for never. 
• Allow yourself to be sad, and yes for a time, get depressed but not too much. Remember that it's not about you. It is about that little one who entrusts his or her entire life to you. So make a decision. Sulk and get nothing or man-up and fight for your child.
• Take time to rest and unwind. This is a special advise given to me by my daughter's doctor. My daughter depends on me and when I get burnt out, it is not only me who suffer but my daughter too. Going to appointments, therapy sessions and teaching your child everyday is a very exhausting job so take time to: Rest, Recharge, and Take On another day.

Good luck! And just so you know, you're on the right track.