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Exhausted, spent, tensed and stressed out. These were the words that defined me for the past years since my daughter's diagnosis of Autism. After I got the confirmation from her developmental pediatrician that my suspicions were true I did not give myself time to sulk and jumped right into looking for solutions instead. I thought to myself that the earlier the intervention, the
better. I was silently hoping that if I do whatever that was asked of me to do for my child, she would get well. Although I knew that Autism is a lifelong disability, I did not yet understand the entirety and full weight of the case. I started working very hard to continue with her therapies at home. I pressed myself and pressed my daughter even more for an outcome. I was pushing myself so hard but I was pushing her harder. At that time, that was the only method that I knew to make her understand and to make her perform in certain activities. I wasn't just her mom, I was her stay-at-home therapist, driver, nurse, care giver, teacher, and disciplinarian. I had trouble with balancing life especially with her. I felt like if I stopped being all these even for a moment, I would lose that chance of helping her get better.
Everyday I got so tired and everyday I was burning out. Everyday I kept pushing and pushing and yes there were results but the tantrums were getting more frequent. There were shouting at home and worsening breakdowns every time we drove home. Every scream rang in my ears like an irritating school bell and I responded with rage intending to make her feel that I am more superior. We had frequent fights and there were times when we fought everyday for a week. I thought that this routine was normal since my daughter have special needs and that it was a must so that I can make her understand. I thought that there were no other ways of doing it.
Then I started to have problems with the shouting. It was becoming frequent and uncontrollable. I worked with her therapists and we tried to look for ways to reduce the shouting but the progress was very slow. Then I thought of doing it differently at home. I shouted less and pushed her less. I just settled with what she can do but did it routinely. It was my husband (who comes home from working abroad twice in year) that actually showed me the way. He was calmer, more relaxed, and less tensed when dealing with our daughter and they were happy. Then I thought that maybe I was pushing her too much and focused so much on what she can achieve rather than celebrate what she can do, settle in that milestone for a moment to rest and take a break before we move on.
I decided to relax and let my daughter be herself. Less restrictions and more fun time. Less pushing and more understanding. More feeling and child-led learning. Then her shouting reduced until it eventually stopped. The tantrums became less frequent and there were no more meltdowns. Everything went better at home but the reality that sunk in to me was painful. My daughter was not innately hot-headed, she copied it from me. She reflected me. She was tensed, pressured, and stressed out like I was. That day I learned a very important lesson from the little kid that I teach everyday. She couldn't say it and doesn't know how, but like me, she too was overwhelmed and burnt out.
Here are some of the things that I learned:
1. Your child breathes in your energy. They copy what you do and they feel what you emanate. It is very important that you take care of yourself. Have a break when you need to. There could be times when you need to detach yourself from home and have a day all to yourself. Do not feel guilty when you take a break, you need it! The happier you become, the happier your child will be. You cannot give what you do not have. You have to be happy first before you can give out that happiness.
2. Your child feels your determination. Every time I teach her something new, I always make sure that I am fueled by the determination to let her learn what I want her to learn. The most effective teaching sessions that we've had were when I was passionate with what I was teaching her. I just know that she can feel my drive and understands this is what she needs to learn. It is also important to play on her interests to be able to get her attention and for her to focus on the task at hand. Make learning time fun and interesting.
3. Find the right balance. It is difficult to wear different hats at a time and it can be very exhausting. Looking for the right balance will take some time and a lot of trial and error but if you find the right equation you can breathe easy.
4. Autism will always be autism. Acceptance means a lot of things but acceptance does not mean giving up on your child. The hard reality with this diagnosis is that it is life long. No cure has been found yet and it is not rocket-science. Nothing is definite. There are good times, bad times, and worse times. You will go through an emotional roller coaster. What keeps me hopeful is my faith. Faith in the Lord (Romans 8:28 And we know all things work for good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose) and faith in my daughter. Our love for her is unconditional, we love her no matter what and she doesn't need to prove anything or achieve unimaginable things for us to love her with all our hearts.
5. Dream Big. "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." -Norman Vincent Peale
How overwhelmed are you? take a break and reconnect with what gives you happiness. You are your child's best example. Now, I believe that we have found our perfect balance. Not everything is perfect, tantrums still come from time to time but we are happier and I am calmer. At 4 years old she's starting to read. She recognizes my emotions and knows when to ask for an apology. And we resolve our quarrels with "I'm sorry please" (with her, almost everything ends with please). She is advancing with her reading albeit a little slow but we know we are getting there. I became firm but understanding and I learned how to do that because she taught me to. I learned how to listen to unspoken words and may God give us all the grace to continually do so.
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